In October I saw a doctor about an old shoulder injury and they decided it was just a stretched nerve and they gave me a pain relief medication.
Well a few days later I was driving to my internship at a rehab hospital (which I am four days away from finishing) and the right side of my face went numb. I assumed it was either due to the medication or another nerve injury. A nurse at work checked to make sure I wasn't having a stroke and I wasn't, but when i told my doctor she sent me to the emergency room. The doctors there couldn't find an explanation and my original doctor decided to go ahead and have an MRI of my head done just in case.
I had the MRI on a Monday and went to get the results on a Wednesday. I waited in the office for quite sometime until a tech came in and handed me the results and told me to look over them and think of any questions while I waited for the doctor. I glanced down and my eyes fell upon the worst phrase I could imagine, "a mass like lesion at the base of the pineal gland". I have heard the phrase, "my life flashed before my eyes" a million times, and at that moment I experienced it. My childhood, college, my family, meeting my boyfriend, my dog Andy, everything just hit me and I burst into tears.
It's been four weeks since that moment and I have had an appointment with a neurosurgeon who explained that there was a higher than average chance that it was something malignant rather than benign, and either way I will most likely need radiation. I had a lumbar puncture (which was the worst imaginable pain) which came back negative for germinoma markers, which by the way means NOTHING, because it can still be cancer and the only way they can figure that out is by drilling a hole in my head. Please don't say congratulations on the negative results it means nothing to me.
At this point I am waiting to move to San Francisco to be with my boyfriend (which was a plan before this whole mess) where I will be seeing a neurosurgeon at UCSF to plan my biopsy. Lately I have been so angry. I was planning on graduating this Saturday, studying for my registration exam, passing that test, and getting a full time dream job as an occupational therapist. Nope not anymore! For a while it looked like I wouldn't be able to take the test in time, now that thankfully looks like a possibility. However starting a new job is looking dimmer and dimmer. I'm watching all of my OT friends get interviews and be excited about their new career and all I can think is when they start I will probably be starting radiation.
I know I know I'm totally throwing myself a pity party, but at this moment I am so angry and so upset with everything I can't help it.
I named my tumor timmy, and I freaking hate him more than anything. He ruined what I was looking forward to the most, being a full time occupational therapist.
I hate you Timmy.
Screw you
